This will be the final entry on Rays ‘Big C’ blog. A sad moment for me, not only because it marks the end of Ray’s journey, but also because keeping it updated (with Ray) and reading its messages had become almost a daily ritual.
I want to send everyone a huge THANK YOU for all the care and support you have given our family over this 3 year long journey and in particular in the time since Ray’s passing.
The flowers, food, gifts, cards, prayers, emails and support in many other caring and practical ways has been, and is, received with heartfelt gratitude.
Thank you, also, for the generous donations people have made to Marli’s cancer fundraising project “One Thousand Cranes”. To date over $3,600 has been donated and Marli, and her friend Tegan, have completed 915 cranes.
Several people have requested I put the tributes that Andrew, Tahnee, Marli and I made to Ray on this blog site, and they are attached at the end of this message.
I can’t end this Blog, however, without including some words from Ray. As Daryl indicated at Ray’s funeral service, Ray had spent quite a lot of time thinking about and putting together what he wanted at his service. The music, in particular, was very important to him and he not only chose the pieces, but wrote down why they meant so much to him. I thought this was a particularly important one to share with you all:
INXS: Afterglow (4.11) heartbreakingly beautiful words that speak of letting go: “touch me and I will follow in your afterglow, heal me from all this sorrow as I let you go.” This is firstly for you Margaret and then everyone else, please don’t be afraid of this death experience. Fyodor Dostoyevsky in Crime and Punishment said that, “pain and suffering is inevitable for one with a large intelligence and a deep heart.” It’s only as you hold on that sorrow increases. Let me go and journey. Sorrow is about trying to hold on, let it go, it’s ok.
Finally, I would like to end by repeating the committal from Ray’s funeral service:
It is often said – ashes to ashes and dust to dust ...
And we say – Ray be free, be strong,
be proud of who you have been.
Know that you will be mourned and missed;
that no one can replace you,
that you have loved and been loved.
Pass the gates, enter the dark without fear
and rest until we meet again.
Go in peace, beloved Ray,
travel safely with our love into the mystery of God. Amen
And as Ray would often end his messages ~
Blessings to you all
With much love
Marg x
Tributes to Ray from Friday 30th March 2012
From Tahnee:
I had a long think about what I wanted to say today. There was an empty page in front of me for a long while. I realised that it was because you can’t easily put Ray Ollerton into words. It’s just physically impossible. Sort of like trying to fit a mountain into a glass jar. (Even though Uncle Dave says that it could probably fit. You’d just have to get a glass jar big enough.) And so I tried to think about what dad meant to me.
He told me once that God isn’t just a big man sitting in the clouds granting people’s wishes, he said he believed God is the happy things in life, the name we have for when our good side shows. I believe that...but sometimes I wish there was a big man in the sky, saving the good from bad, but then, who’s to say who’s good and who’s bad? And that’s hard, because everyone has a God inside of them. We just need to find it and make the most of it.
To me dad was the kindest person I knew. He was an encyclopaedia, dictionary and history book all in one, he made me laugh so hard I would cry, but there were times he would make me cry so hard I wished I had a sledge hammer on hand. I know now he only made me feel that way because he loved us so much. He taught me ninety five per cent of what I know today, and no matter how long I live - I will grow to know not even half of what he knew. I have so many great memories of him - I cannot begin to name them all.
One of dad’s favourites was John Lennon who once said:
“When I was 5 years old, my mother told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I did not understand the assignment, I told them they didn’t understand life.”
“When I was 5 years old, my mother told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I did not understand the assignment, I told them they didn’t understand life.”
I know what dad would want if he was here right now. He would have wanted us to cry, he would have wanted us to laugh, and at times he would probably have told us all to eat some concrete and harden up. But mostly he would have wanted us to be happy. He is the God inside of me, he’s in my heart and home and he will never ever leave. He would have wanted us to let go, but not forget. And now I know, wherever he is, or whatever he’s doing, be it having a party with Brett, or reading stories to gran-gran, he is happy – and he has made me so, too.
From Andrew:
Everyone knows who my dad is.
Loving, committed, honest, listened – maybe too much, definitely talked too much and definitely thought he knew too much.
When he met someone, it didn’t matter where it was, he just had to know their life story and then analyse it.
17 years together and 17 years apart makes it so very hard, but I have been gifted two beautiful sisters and a fantastic stepmother.
To me, dad hasn’t changed but he certainly has developed. He will always be remembered and never forgotten.
You will always be my best mate.
From Marli:
Dad never judged someone by their cover; he always had an open heart to everyone. Although I have spent all my life with dad so far, it still has not been enough. When Dad had a task to do he always did it with a good heart even if it was something he did not enjoy. His gardening skills were extraordinary. All the native trees and flowers dad had planted to make our home feel like home. He always gave people the confidence to speak out and help them with their troubles. He always made people welcome and treated them like they were his own family. Even though it now feels like Dad has just gone on a holiday and will return any time soon, I know he won’t and I am going to miss him so much… so I wrote this poem for him.
God brings us into the world so very young and small.
He brings us into life because it’s a blessing to us all.
He lets us love and care with our hearts open wide.
And with a snap of his fingers we are old and very wise.
But life cannot work without danger at its midst.
Because no one lives forever - but no one does not live.
Life is like a wooden boat sailing out to sea.
Sometimes there’s a pretty rainbow for us all to see.
Sometimes there’s a windy storm and the thunder scares us all.
And as the storm is blowing strong it sends us down below.
Sinking to the ocean floor is like saying our good byes.
No one lives forever - but no one does not live.
Shipwrecks mostly happen when there are lots of lies
Looking like a shipwreck is a bad way to get by
Then someone comes along with a very pretty rose
And as Dad said “In every shipwreck there is a treasure trove”
Everyone has good days and bad - but.
No one lives forever - but no one does not live.
From Marg:
At the time I met Ray I was going through a difficult time in my life and I was somewhat stuck. I had even resorted to seeing a Tarot Card reader to try and find out what to do next. Although she had no magical answers, during my session with her she kept referring to a strong male presence that would change the course of my life – and so Ray did when he entered it a couple of months later.
From the moment I met Ray on a cold, rainy Easter Sunday night in 1990 in his student share house in Oakleigh, I never again felt lonely or unfulfilled or unloved. Yes, there were many times, over the years, when we disagreed, argued and fought and I thought I felt lonely and unfulfilled and unloved, but deep in my heart I knew this wasn’t true.
From the moment I met Ray he was my challenger to get the most out of life, look at it positively and take up its opportunities. More often than not, my doubts and unwillingness to go along with his many and varied plans and ideas came from my own fears and intimidation. Ray showed and gave me the courage to overcome many of these fears and the strength I feel now, and throughout the long journey of his battle with cancer, is very much due to him. This is also true for our girls – Tahnee and Marli.
I often felt Ray and I were like Ying and Yang in our relationship – Ray being “more, more, more and lots of big ideas”, and me being “less, less, less and do we really need to do this?” But despite this, we worked harmoniously together and achieved a lot in our married life to be proud about, not the least of which being the beautiful Tahnee and Marli – who Ray was so proud of, as he was of Andrew – his gorgeous son. They are shining examples of his loving care and guidance.
Throughout our 21 years together, Ray always managed to keep me on my toes and I was never sure what he might be cooking up next or what might be around the corner.
Without Ray I doubt that I would have done or experienced many of the wonderful things we shared together as a couple and as a family. I thank him for helping me to explore new ways of thinking, expanding my knowledge by encouraging me with books and ideas, broadening my appreciation of music and food, and introducing me to people I would never have taken the time, or had the confidence, to get to know - but for Ray.
I thank Ray for building us our beautiful home, for the wonderful holidays we had and the travelling we did together. I thank him for his passion, enthusiasm, vision and sense of humour. But what I thank and loved Ray for mostly, was the way he always wanted and worked hard for us to be and stay together as a family.
Ray was both the rock upon which I stood so firmly and the wind beneath my wings.
Ray, my courageous, stubborn, battler - you always had people intrigued with your tenacity, optimism, openness and strength of character, but no more so than in the final stages of your long battle with that deadly cancer. Even to the end you had a sense of humour, insightful observations, calmness and appreciation of the beauty of life - despite what was happening to your body and the debilitating effects of all the drugs you were taking. You were the epitome of someone who truly sucked the marrow out of life – right to the very end. Rest in peace, my love, but if you can’t do that – pester the hell out of everyone in your new world. Our life together here, will be a cherished treasure buried deep within my heart.
