Each day now is in some ways a hurdle to be leaped. Slowly and grudingly coming to terms with a shortened life. I have lost any focus on the future and am more concerned about each day's events, embracing that cliche "to live in the moment". Although saying that, two future dates I am looking forward to is December 14th - our 20th wedding anniversary and Christmas day with family.

I am feeling some soreness in my stomach - a bit like a stitch or digestive pain - and continuous very low nausea, but my resilience is strong and my faith remains active and alive and nurturing. I continue to see my supervisor and I'm enjoying a book club and my continuing relationship with men's group.

Also managing to do some volunteer work (2 hours a week) at the girl's secondary college supporting the welfare team, running a small program with half a dozen middle school boys. Also start delivering library books to hostel residents at the hospital next week. Can't keep me down!

My family continue to support me and cajole me in the never ending energy sapping experience of raising teenage children. Family life is great with sport, markets, school etc. etc. The girls are off to visit their brother in Perth in early September for a week. They want a week with their brother without parents, which frees Marg and I up to have some time together.
Continuing to write my biolography and I've taken an interest in my family's geneology. Continued support from close friends is sustaining.

Again thanks to all of you for your ongoing prayers and support.

Blessings
Ray

Went down to the Western General Hospital last Thursday to meet with Prof. Gibbs who gave us some not very good news.

The results of the latest CT scan show that the tumors in my liver have grown by approx. 1cm. This means I now come off the clinical trial. I have been referred back to Bendigo Oncology for further chemotherapy.

Marg and I felt pretty flat driving home. Although we expected this news, we were hoping it would be further into the future.

My prognosis now is 6-9 months. Prof. Gibbs did say that a combination of some new drugs plus Irinatekin (chemo) have helped some people in terms of extending life.

I am almost certain that I do not want to take part in any more chemo given it's debilitating effect. I am thinking that perhaps now is the time to continue to live every day as fully and creatively as I can and await my destiny.

Over the last 12 months my body has been assaulted by various drugs. I'm feeling like I can regain some dignity now in allowing my body to recover for a short while.

While I have been enjoying writing my biography and uploading photographs (thanks to Marg's comptuer skills) I feel more of a pressing need to try to get it finished.

Love and best wishes to you all.
Ray

A few photos of my journey:
In Barcelona's "Sagrada Familia" Basilica with some people I met
from the hostel I was staying in.







A quite beer after a 3 hour tour of Barcelona's "Old Quarter".

Cake and coffee, "...on Ilkley Moor" with Dad and walking on the Lancashire moors on a wet, windy day with my cousins and their son Toby

Been home for 5 days and recovered from jet lag. The flight from Singapore was three quarters empty so had the luxury of 3 seats to spread out on. Went straight to treatment the morning I arrived home, thanks to Jamo, a friend who ferried me from Tullamarine to Western General in Footscray. Holidays were wonderful. It's a different experience travelling alone compared to family hols and gave me time to sit with Dad for gentle times. I have been keen to ensure that I minimise regrets. One regret I didn't want was to get too sick to travel and then wish I had gone sooner to the UK. I possibly didn't need the anxiety of working in and around Dad's illness, but it left me satisfied knowing he has a support network and loving family around him. Dad and I were able to chat intimately about past times and future hopes. On my last day in the UK we visited his wife's (of 40 years) gravesite. It was quite moving watching this proud 82 year old man, flat cap in hand, resting on a cane, weeping gently and reflecting warmly on his relationship with her. Dad remarried after Mum and he separated in 1959.
Visits to world heritage sites, 900 year old monasteries and the northern England moors were amazing as were the five days in Barcelona experiencing Spanish culture and seeing something of Gaudi's genius. I left for Australia with mixed feelings, knowing it will probably be the last time I see my UK based family, but we were all emboldened and reassured that whatever happens in the future, the ongoing memories of our time together will sustain and comfort us all. Memories of people and experiences fade into the mists of time, but can be retrieved and relived. I feel all the better for my time with these special people. I am struggling to upload some photos to the blog, will do so soon with help from my 13 year old daughter Marli!!
Blessings to you all

I’m 16 days into my holiday and enjoying every moment. Mixing high energy touristy type days visiting abbeys and historical sites alongside quieter days of reading, walking and journaling. Dad is looking a lot weaker than when I saw him last year; the effects of the stroke are certainly showing. He needs a cane to walk and a wheelchair for longer journeys. He has lost 20% of his cognitive functioning and as an 82 year old Lancastrian, proud and determined, yet quietly struggling with his lot in life. We have had some great outings, the first since his stroke last August and enjoying some home cooking together.
The first weeks weather was cool, cloudy, around 15 degrees, took in a Premier league football game another one coming on the 14th May. Went for a lovely walk across part of the Darwen moors in drizzly rain, a stereotypical “moorish” day, then on to a country pub for a pint and a fish finger butty (read sandwich). Only in the north of England could you buy something like that! Fortunately the fish was home made crumbed whiting.
My trip to Barcelona was memorable, weather in the mid to high 20s. The "Sagrada Familia" Basilica was a vision, an architectural wonder of the modern era, construction began in 1884 by Antonio Gaudi and due for completion in 2030 (google it). Paella, some Moorish architecture, stories about Hemingway and Picasso’s legacy everywhere. Stayed in a youth hostel and met some delightful people from all over the world. Cooked gazpacho and grilled vegetables for the hostel one evening and sipped Cava, Spanish champagne. Visited a winery and took a train ride into the countryside, eating peaches warmed in the Spanish sun and tomatoes that were warm and succulent. Drank a coffee with 4 old Spanish men, we used universal nods and smiles to convey a sense of generosity and friendship. Walked and walked around Roman ruins, aging buildings, read about Catalan history and walked in the Pyrenees with snow still on the ground.
Came back from Spain on Friday 13th to a wet, cold day in Manchester. Spending warm moments with my cousins, two of them have new, unused pasta machines. Am about to change that! We are having a cooking class on Wednesday evening making potatoe gnocchi, pasta and Tart Tatin (fancy French for apple tart).
This week spent in Blackpool. Went for a walk along the promenade last evening. It was blowing a gale and wind chill was 4 degrees, brisk and enjoyable though. Off bowling with Dad tomorrow and lunch with his mate of 50 years. On thursday we are off to visit Fountains abbey, a world heritage site in Yorkshire and Friday travelling to Birmingham to visit my sister and her family for the weekend. Departing the UK on the 24th and back on the 26th straight to Western General for treatment.
This post is only a part description of my experience here, many more stories to share. My thanks to you all and gratitude for your constant prayers, best wishes and support over the last months. Sitting with my Dad at the football, I had a tear or two in my eye, thankful that I have managed to fulfil a couple of "bucket list" wishes. One was to see Manchester Utd play (Dad's team). That realised, I will embrace him next Tuesday, perhaps for the last time knowing that our time together, although short was rich, endearing and blessed.
Blessings
RayO

Went for my 6-weekly CT scan last Monday. The tumors have stabilished. I feel as if it is the second of 3 phases, first phase being significant reduction of the tumors, then a stabilising period followed by the tumors regrowing. Asking the questions "how long before the third phase?" is like asking how long is a piece of string?

Continuing with the clinical trial although the specialists have reduced the drug amount by 25%. The side-affects were quite aggressive on my face and toes and toe nails. Since this reduction, the effects have moderated. I say to people that my face isn't the best when they ask how I am which leaves the door open for remarks like "tell me something I don't know"!

Saying all that though, I am in very good health, sleeping and eating well and getting lots of exercise. Went for a walk in the King Lake National Park a few weeks ago with the 3 friends I did the Oxfam 100km trail walk with to celebrate the 3year anniversary of doing that walk.

Going to Taree (3 hours north of Sydney) with Marg's family for Easter before heading back to Victoria. Then heading off to the UK on 28th April (in between treatments). Will be gone for the month of May visiting my father in Lancashire who had a serious stroke last year. Looking forward to spending some time with him. Have also managed to get a ticket to a Manchester United vs Blackburn football (soccer for the Aussies) game.

I have been enjoying my reading, catching up with friends and quiet spaces.
All the best to all of you who send out your prayers and positive "vibes" to me.

Blessings Ray